Thursday, August 23, 2012
This Blog; we have a love hate relationship.
Love –Because this blog is always there when I need to have my “therapy” session a.k.a. create an emotional blog post. It never lets me down and even though I see how many people visit my blog each day I feel safe, alone and protect when we are together. I feel like what I share on this site is for my eyes only – even though I know that is FAR from reality!
I feel such a sense of responsibly to create hope for families who were dealt with the same cards as us that when I can’t bring myself to share our life and my feelings I feel guilty.
This is where I am today… Feeling guilty and tongue tied… Not a day goes by that I don’t think about writing. The problem I can’t seem to find the words and I am having a hard time figuring out why… Not that figuring out the why would even help – but I tend to like to know pretty much everything J
Mason continues to thrive and people seem to think he is fixed; but he will never be fixed. He will always only have 1/2 of a heart. Every day since he was first diagnosed has been filled with anxiety, worry, wondering how long we will get, panic at the first sign of a stuffy nose or cough, constantly worrying about his SAT's and analyzing his skin color. This doesn't go away the older he gets. I wish I could say it does and that the feelings simmer down but they don't.
When you hand your child over for multiple times for major open heart surgery it is in the front of your mind everyday.
Mason and the HLHS community gave me “accidental purpose” and even though this life is harder than the average. Mason is worth it!!! He is the one who is teaching me about living life even though as his mother that should be my job.
Life is a gift, and it offers us the privilege, opportunity, and responsibility to give something back by becoming and doing more