When exposed to (emotional or physical) trauma the body deploys its own defense system.
From the FIRST second the brain receives the signal that a catastrophe has occurred. The blood rushes to the organ that needs help the most.
Blood flows to the muscles. To the organs. To the brain.
The brain then makes a decision for the rest of the body.
Either face the danger or run away.
It is a mechanism designed to protect the body from harm.
We call it shock.
I think I am coming to the realization that I live my life in a constant state of shock.
Everyday I choose to stay and face the danger.
The memories. The flash backs. The constant fear. It never goes away. I even think the older Mason gets the more terrifying losing him is. I honestly am so exhausted from the sheer thought.
I don't know how I could live in this world should one of my children leave it.
Y’all are too gracious with me. (YES I said Y'all. I am trying to keep it light. For me not you.)
Your compliments about my strength are kind. And as kind as they are they sometimes make me feel like a fraud because on days like today or days like yesterday I don’t feel strong and I am a complete mess. SERIOUSLY A MESS.
In fact if you have seen me you may or may not have noticed the tear lines in my make up or the bags under my eyes from lack of sleep and worry. It is a small miracle if I make it a few hours without crying. (Told you. I am a mess).
You are probably thinking. Wait I just saw her. She seemed fine or she is smiling on FB.
But lets be real... We don't normally share the hard everyday stuff with our "friends" on facebook. If I did your news feed might be filled with status updates like this:
- Time to re-apply the make up #thetearswontstop
- Here I go again #emotionalrollercoaster
- Is it time for a nap? #iwanttogobacktobed
- Today's to do list: stay in PJ's and eat icecream #wanttojoinme #BYOT = #bringyourowntissues
I think you get the point.
I have such a LOVE HATE relationship with social media.
Let me get to my point. You are probably wondering why I am so emotional.I blame it on two things:
An article was just published by The National Center for Birth Defects and Disabilities (NCBDD). This article detailed the survival rates of children born with all different congenital defects. The one that claims the most lives???? You guessed it.... HLHS.
This study shows that children born with HLHS have a 50% chance of survival until the age of 8. Awesome. Mason is 6 I have another 2 years until his chances of survival increase?????
I am not even sure how to articulate how I feel about this except to say that it not only sucks but it is scary... AND I HATE THAT this horrible disease could claim my son’s life.
We live a somewhat normal chaotic life and I wish I could unread this article and go back to what I thought the statics said (70% over the age of 5).
In this case I would have chosen ignorance.
Mason goes in next Tuesday for a non-heart related surgery. Seriously people this should be no big deal and one would think I would handle it like a pro. After all I have handed him over for not one, not two but THREE major open heart surgeries and numerous other smaller surgeries. This one should be a piece of cake.
But it is not. We went in yesterday for his pre-op appointment and walking back into the surgery center felt too familiar. The smells. The people. The halls. Brings everything back. And I can’t help it.
I become a walking crying time bomb.
TICK TICK TICK.
Watch out I could burst into tears at any given second.
Thankfully I have learned to hold myself together until I am in a “safe” place but this time it was in the car in front of Mason and a child should not see their parent crying because they are worried about a procedure they are about to have.
Major fail Kelsey! So I smile through the tears and put on a happy face.
So there you have it folks.
This is the truth.
This week we appear normal on the outside but get into our car or step inside our home and you will find it is anything but a normal week. we are literally on an emotional roller coaster driven by me.
Since I want to leave you on a happier note I will share with you something that makes me beyond happy....
The WHITE denim has been freed from my closet and YES, white denim makes me happy!!!!